It's the End of the World as we Know It

~~~List 11 things you want to say to 11 different people.
* Don't say who they pertain to.
* Feel free to comment, but don't confirm or answer anything.
* Never discuss it again.

(These people are ANY people. Don't see yourself in these--99.9% of the time, it won't be you.)~~~~

((I thought it sounded fun!))

1. I blame you. You entirely. So stop whining about how it wasn't your fault because I know better. Be an adult and take responsibility for your own actions. And by the way, if you ever hurt one of the people I love again, they will be finding pieces of you in briefcases all over the oceanfront this summer.

2. I love you like a sister, but sometimes I wish you would just shut the fuck up. We all have problems. And compared to some other people I know, yours are not that bad! So grow a damn spine and deal with it.

3. When I said I love you, I meant it. When I said I hate you, I meant it. When I tell you I don't care and you never really cross my mind, I mean it.

4. I'm not a child so stop treating me like one. I love you but... please. I'm not perfect, I'll make mistakes, but it's what living is about, no?

5. You haven't changed, your actions both this summer and in September prove you wrong, so stop pretending differently.

6. Just die already! You're ancient! We're all waiting!

7. Stop reading into everything I say. Just because I am unsure of what I need or want doesn't mean I think less of you. Get the hell over yourself.

8. We don't all have to agree with you. And just because we don't, doesn't mean we think any less of you. We're friends, but that doesn't mean we're going to agree all the time.

9. I appreciate honesty, but it doesn't make you any less honest to make the truth a little softer. I don't think it is funny or cute when you act like a bitch, and I think you just like the feelings of superiority you get when you cut people down.

10. You don't care about the things I care about, so stop acting all pissy when I don't care about the things you care about. And stop trying to make me care, because it is sooooo not working.

11. Stop telling me how sorry you both are. It doesn't matter, and it doesn't change the facts.

I want a talent. Something I am good at that no one else is... well, hardly anyone. Something that I can amaze people with.

I can hear my grandmother right now: "If wishes were horses..."

Oh well.

Life is pretty good. I can't complain, though I do anyway.

Made a B+ on my Spanish Oral. She says I am good at comprehension and answered her questions with little to no hesitation, but I need to work on getting my answers out coherently.

Got a B on my religion questions.

I get my Psych paper tomorrow.

Yikes.

Blah.

I don't want to see Dustin, unless it is to smack him.

Still, all in all looking forward to going home.

Psych class ended early. There were 11 people there.

Rachael is right. No one is going to fix me, that is something I have to do all by myself.

And I will.

I took a test on beliefnet.com today.

I am 100% mainline to liberal protestant, which consists of (they say) Episcopals, Lutherans, Methodists, and Presbyterians.

I am 96% MORMON.

Mormon.

What the hell?

Amy says it's 'cause I dated one. She scored as a 100% tie between Eastern Orthodox and Catholicism.

Bah.

It is however an improvement over the last time I took it, which was a year ago. Then I was a Reformed Jew.

I don't have classes tomorrow. Woot! A whole day FREE!!!! How exciting.

We ordered pizza tonight. I think I found the source of those mysterious 10lbs... for someone who doesn't like it I sure do eat it a lot. Or so Amy observed.

Canada! Mom was all for Cyprus til she found out how much it was... then it was like "Well, Canada is quite a nice country..."

And that is that.

No history classes next semester, how liberating.

Overslept this morning... and since Amy only gets up on weekends when I do, she overslept too. I was thisclose to just sleeping, but my stomach growled. Bah.

Deidre wants me to help her take pictures this weekend. She wants to do self-portraits but she wants to model them first to see what they look like or something... and I'm the only one near her height... yay shortness!

I might try to go to the library today. I said when my research paper was done I'd read more. Plus, my books are due the 15th.

Umm... not much else to say except I've been rather depressed lately... for reasons I don't quite feel like talking about.

Mom says she will let me know Sunday what I can do for May Term.

Woohoo.

Next time I am sick, I will come to class and throw up on everything just to prove it.

Damn it all.

I pick a topic in psychology I find interesting, only to find out the day my paper is due that half the class was interested in the same topic. I wish I could redo it all.

I should just stop trying to be unique. I have failed miserably.

Sometimes I just get this huge sense of self. Like... this is who I am and this is my life now and WHOA. I still feel like the little kid from VB, and I'm NOT anymore. I've changed, somewhat, and I think for the better. But sometimes I just get this big sense of how much I have changed and it shocks me.

I feel overwhelmed and I think I suck. Why can't I find something I'm good at? Why can't I stop being such an underachiever?

Why can't I stop whining on lj like an emo kid?

^_^

Overall I'm not doing too badly. I must start studying more. I was doing pretty well and then this headache knocked me to the floor. I hope it goes away tomorrow. Three days is an insufferably long time to have a headache.

Did a ton of laundry today.

I can't wait til Thanksgiving. I must be reminded of why I hate going home.

I haven't seen my mother since the week before school started. That is the longest period I've ever been away from her.

I know I should feel bad about that... but I don't. And that is the plain truth of it. I love my mother dearly, she is a wonderful mother who never overprotected me or kept me from doing things I wanted to do. Except for that annoying tendency to ignore whatever upsets her (Dustin and Mike spring to mind immediately.) she has been great. But I'm happy by myself.

You know... alone, with my WONDERFUL friends.

IF YOUR LIFE WAS A MOVIE, WHAT WOULD THE SOUNDTRACK BE?

So, here's how it works:
1. Open your library (iTunes, Winamp, Media Player, iPod, etc)
2. Put it on shuffle
3. Press play
4. For every question, type the song that's playing
5. When you go to a new question, press the next button
6. Don't lie and try to pretend you're cool...

Opening Credits: This Ones for the Girls

Waking Up: Wonderful - Wicked the Musical

First Day at School: Where Have You Been - Reel Big Fish

Puppy Love: My Girlfriend Who Lives In Canada - Avenue Q

Fight Song: Fat Bottomed Girls - Queen

Breaking Up: Why Do Fools Fall in Love - Diana Ross

Prom: Seasons of Love - RENT

Life is Good: Kiss Me - Six Pence None the Richer

Driving: Sunday Morning - Maroon 5

Flashback: The Anthem - Good Charlotte

True Love: Just Some Guy - Anthony Rapp

Wedding: Follow the Sun - Beatles

Moment of Triumph: Daydream Believer - Monkeys

Death Scene: Girl Next Door - Saving Jane

Funeral Song: Out of My Mind - James Blunt

End Credits: Only Want to Be With You

I'm happy. Not so unusual, but since I don't mention it a lot I thought I would.

I am happy.

Not emo, not sad, not angry... just content.

I've been spending a lot of time in the library lately. Studying, mostly. I think it is time I stopped being such a fuckup and started to concentrate on the things that matter.

My goals this weekend are simple but will be hard to follow through on: Write both of my research papers and focus on the NaNoWriMo thing I agreed to do. I need to come up with a valid historical premise for giant evil space robots. This is going to be hard for me, since writing is always such a personal thing for me. I hate showing people my writing. Hopefully it will turn out well and people won't think I suck too badly.

RACHAEL: Do you think we might get Renee in on it? She likes to write... and she could do fantasy or something. Just a thought.

Whoops, spoke too soon.

In the past days I've done recruitment for Psych classes. Dr. A should thank me.

Spilled soda on keyboard again. I hope the way they're sticking goes away.

So last night at around 10:40, I decided to go to bed since I planned to get up early. I put on pajamas and everything, then went to turn off the light. Amd quickly realized... I was afraid of the dark.

Very humiliating.

So I turned my desk light on, and proceeded to try and get some sleep. Unfortunately, I had freaked myself out so much it took me a long time to go to sleep. And when I did, I kept having nightmares. At some point my desk light burned out, so that freaked me out too when I woke up. It's very funny now, but at the time I was terrified. I've never been afraid of the dark prior (except when I was much younger) so I wonder what happened. Maybe it was the book? Or the fact that this dorm is so incredibly quiet?

Who knows. I slept pretty well once the sun was up.

He never called Rachael, and I certainly wasn't going to call HIM if he didn't want to see ME, so I left it alone. Probably for the best.

I went on a shopping spree this weekend, much to my account's horror. Oh well. Bought some pants at the nifty Penny's Outlet (poverty much?) and lots of books. Too many really. And then food and drink at Walmart. I realized I should not have bought so many books, but I found a copy of The Historian for 8$. Hardback too! ^_^ Can't beat that.

And I realized I may have been wrong about certain people. Which isn't very surprising really; my character judgement SUCKS! I always initially dislike people I end up liking. Cabell, Rachael (nothing personal, I just thought you were really weird and I was REALLY reserved at the start of Freshman year, I'm sure there are more. I love the both of them now a LOT, which just goes to say that my first instincts SUCK. But everyone who knows me should have guessed by now.

I'm enjoying my room time.

I should talk to him tonight. Wonder if he even realized that I didn't call him. Lol, I don't really care that much anymore.

How am I supposed to decide what to do with my life when I can't even decide what classes to take next semester?

I'm trying to tell myself that it won't matter: I'll end up hating them no matter what I take.

I second guess myself all the time. Indecisive much? Why yes, yes indeed.

And he wants to see me. Well, maybe. I dont know what to do there either, if in fact it does happen. On one hand I hate him, but on the other he is MALE and some days I feel like I'm going to go crazy if I don't see a male.

It's hard not to go to that place in my head
that'll stop me from ever leaving this room
and it's all so confusing
cause I'm all worked up
cause all my thoughts are tangled into one panciked line of white noise


I'm really more concerned about the classes.

Sometimes, I see the news and I think "Holy shit, America is just alienating other countries left and right!" and it makes me think.

And I get depressive.

But anyway,

Another year down. I've been thinking about everything that has happened to me since my 18th birthday, and it all seems so long ago. That night when Rachael and I walked down to the gas station so I could buy a lottery ticket seems both far away and only yesterday if that makes any sense.

So what has happened since last September? Well for startes I met Michael, fell in love, got my heart broken for the first time, and lived to tell about it. Now I know that life goes on and I can survive.

I met my grandmother from my father's side of the family. A lifetime of questions finally over. Now it isn't taboo (at least in my mind) to speak of my father. I have a past now, instead of a giant gaping hole on one side of the family tree. It is cliche, but now I know who I am and where I come from.

That's really all I can think of. 18 was an ok year for me, one of the best I've had. There were ups and downs, but aren't there always? I haven't done anything of note, but I'm still alive which is more than I thought would happen.

How exciting.

So it's true... you love someone, they break your heart, and then you wake up one morning a few months later and they mean absolutely nothing to you . It is truly a wonderful thing. I can't even bring myself to be angry anymore. Apathy is beautiful.

I have this theory that Ani diFranco's "Independence Day" can make me emo no matter what my mood.

We played DDR tonight, and it was great fun. I am sooooo bad at it. Now I know why I avoid dancing at every opportunity.

I have to work tomorrow, 1-5. I hate it. I feel so awkward and out of place. And incompetent. They sent me to do laundry today, and no one told me the one on the right overflowed and didn't get laundry clean. There is a lot of stuff everyone knows now and I don't. Everyone is so far ahead of me. I hate feeling stupid. And they all basically know each other from IB Wells. And parties, I gather. It sucks ass. I am just so SHY. I try, really I do, but I can't talk to people. And then they start thinking I'm stupid and/or mean... oh well.. I know who my real friends are..

I work Sunday too.

I am NOT working next weekend. Not my birthday weekend. I won't do it.

I have a Spanish Test on my birthday.

My Ipod Shuffle should be here soon. As should MORE PRESENTS! Giftcards from my mom and recently dicovered grandmother, the John Guy book on Mary Stewart from Rachael, and awesome stuff from everyone else. Deidre made me a bracelet she said fit my personality, and I can't wait to see it. If it isn't green I will be very surprised.

I pissed Mike off again. And I don't feel the least bit sorry for it... well, maybe just a bit.

Rachael taught me to knit. That makes me happy.